Feeling better now. After a nearly killing myself, and all the craziness of my life. I am feeling with things I hadnt't before and now feel stronger.

 Sorry its short but there isn't much to say.

 So I was gone from the internet world for awhile, but I'm back now. Life has been very hard. And I have been trying hard to deal with it. I broke up with first real boyfriend and am now trying to get back on my feet. I'm hooking back up with friends and making new ones. I've been working on my issues with my theripist and I'm really looking for a job.

 I'm thinking flight attendant, if that's the right PC term now. I like to travel plus people in some doses are good, plus hey money, and I could work a short time and then maybe quiet hen I'm ready to go back to school. But I'm not sure so I guess I will wait and see.

Since most of you know, I am pregnant. I have tried every way possible to be able to get m body to stop trying to miscarry but unfortunatly its not working. I have a consultation on Thursday. I think it is the cruelest thing ever to do to someone who wants a baby they can't carry, they want to do a sonogram, and since I'm too early for an amnino we don't know the health of the baby. I don't want to terminate this but due to my body freaking out becuase of my medication for being a headcase (bi-polar) I can't carry at the moment. So think good thoughts for me on Thursday.

 As it turns out, the appoinment has turned into the termination date. There is no chance of the fetus to turn into a baby, so I wont get to be the mommy I want to be. I have to loose the first child I ever had. I am deeply sadden and extreamly heart broken. Its why I haven't been around.

   Okay I'm not the best at expressing verbally how I feel. Generally speaking if I show up with band-aids on me a person can tell I'm not feeling the best. I'm so scared right now I can barely think. I'm sooo freaked out. My boyfriend is going to be in therapy with me tomorrow to get a few things out in the open.l And a few things strightened out.

1. What is the exact events over Supper Bowel sunday. I feel like they are jumbled up and I need a little bit of a time linbe of sorts.
2. Why did you stay so long at the airport?
3. The next day, why didn't you call me and let me know what was going on?
4. I'm trying ver hard to word these the right way, but I feel like I'm in this jumble of people you are still connected to. You have a lot of involvment with your two major ex's and I'm a little uncomfortab;e witht he amount and ease with which you lie to them. How do I know FOR SURE you are not lieing to me?

  I'm feeling so unsure of things, I mean when I'm with him, I feel all safe and secure and loved. When weird shit happens, I freak. Is it because I'm new to all of this? Or should I be listening to the little voices screaming in my head?

 I am 21. I now can legally drink, buy drinks be shipped over seas by the government.

 But the fun part was that my mom, yes my mom, tried her hardest to get me drunk. She failed. I woke with no hang over, I clearly remember the party, and I know she got buzzed.

 The following few days, namely on Thursday I got more booze from the store. My cousin and I played drinking games after we mixed, sour pucker watermelon (its a shnopps) then tequilia, and sweet and sour. Each of us had 16 ounces of 32 ounce liquor drink. Small buzz. we finished off the pitcher we had made felt slightly ill, had a pb&j felt better drank water, still not drunk and then stayed up a wee bit and then went to bed.

Wake up, no hangover, mom makes me down a full bottle of water and I go to school and feel tired. I am silly when drinking, hyper and get a little crazy. Soon I have discovered the perfect way to tease the bf. But that will be shared later.

 I was in a car accident on Friday. I was the only one hurt, expt the car is dead. Saturday and Sunday were insane dealing with people going on about how I could have died. I really hadn't wanted that in my brain. Mnday the boyfriend picked me up. Tuesday mom took me. Today, I may kill my cousin. 

 The car is very dead. Mom has a rental and will be getting a new car at some point. The bf has been so sweet with picking me up and taking me home. I need to think of something nice for him. I currently plan on killing my cousin for being an asshole earlier today and causing tramuatizing flashbacks of when my father would hurt me. But that's a whole other book shelf.

 However I am greatful to be alive, and am also greatful for USAA, the lovely auto company that promised not to drop me.

 I know I know I've been bad, no blogging in a long time.

here's a small recap:

So I know I've been out of the scene for a bit but here's a rant of mine. I was dating this great guy, unfortunately for me my family has a problem with people who are not white. Not all of them mind you, just the few the I love the most and that have helped raise me. The wonderful guy happens to be black. I don't care. so basically I can't share that with my family and my mother who claims to not care...well she didn't like the relationship at all. So It was a mini drama but when I was with him at school it didn't matter, I spent lots of time with him ont he phone everynight. All that stuff.

Weird part 1: we never mangae to spenda weeked together

So on Super Bowl Sunday He PROMISED to spend it with me and my cousin. For a movie day/night. I call and call and call, from 2-5 I finally get him around 5. He's stuck at mom's house.
We were also supposed to go to the boxing bouts that weekend as well.

Monday morning rolls around, I get no "Good Morning" call or text message. So I send him one. I go to meet him infront of his Admin. of Justice class (also a building). As I'm walking over here I get this message that his ex is int he hall. I go and look and I see him acting up set (body lingo) and a female he's stalking away from. I get a text message saying she's an ex, and she's a lair.

Weird part 2: She comes right up to me and asks me if I'm so-so. I nod very confussled and she says she is his GIRLFRIEND!

So we chat for a few moments and then I walk away hurt, confused and just so lost. So I call mommy to come get me in a few minbutes. But after the call I go back to the woman and I ask her a couple of questions expaining that I thought I was was his girlfriend, that we had been seeing each other for two weeks and what not. She had the nerve to ask if I'd slept with him. A Lady NEVER kisses and tells. Its just, not good form, okay I'm a little prude-ish humor me. Anyways...

He did admit to being wrong for not telling me, which is good, he has a terrible tendancy to take everyone at their word, and he's a little too trusting it seems. He's also too nice to peopole that just don't need that much niceness. They need to be given the boot and some happy pills, like the female that came up to me.

She went to his window where he was sitting in class and gave him the finger. I was so hurt all I could do was sign "why?" then I asked "why do this to me?" Then I signed clearly and slowly "Never speak to me again" and I said loudly so EVERYONE would hear "Honey I don't want him you can have him." He looked like he'd been slapped in the face.

The rest of this week I've just dressed bitchin' in blacks and dark colors to set off the nicely heeled shoes I own and looked really good not just to dig at him, but to make me feel better. For once it has actually helped. Anyways...

He wants to talk on Monday and try to work things out, so I'll give him the time, but I don't promise to be very verbose about the whole thing.
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 Here's the update:

We've worked everything out, he's been warned by a co-worker who is pregnant btw, not to screw up or treat me bad. I think he's on the stright and narrow path now. Anyways, we are very much on the okay.

 I really like him, really care about him, and who knows, love might not be too far away, but I tend to hold back so...

 Mom's boyfriend is still in the negitive brownie point s, but he's getting closer to some possitive ones.

 I hate midterms. My hand did end up being broken, more twords the wrist then the hand itself.

My 21st birthday is in a feww days, I've been making some great friends, and I have to speak in front of people on Thursday. I hate Thursday.

 I will never be able to watch the second underworld without laughing ever again.

 So as I enter my full time school work I ask myself one basic question? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! The fact is, I love school, but come finals time, I will be a bag of nervs held together with a fine layer of coffee and toast. So I try to take it all one class and one day at a time.

 Today in Ethnic Studies, it got so confussing I needed a map. I'm used to people talking in circles, I do it myself, but the whole class conversdation got so topsy turvy I thought I was going to be ill.

 Question: What is American Culture?

 Class Answer: *Silence filled with confussed looks*

 Me: *screaming silently as I drink my coffee*

 So life goes on and I go to nutrition wishing it was more interestng. So if I can make it through this class I have friends in the next and I get to have fun.

 Self defence....I blocked a hit from my teacher so well and went to my point of attacking so quickly he was startled, when I came ou of my "protect self" mode I kept saying I was sorry. The teacher laughed so much he turned red. He did tell me I got an A for the day. And we got to hit bags, even more fun.

 Boxing...fun. I hurt like hell, but it was fun. We learned real jabs and even more feet movements. I got called "little sister" by a guy in the class, he's very nice, but he looks very creepy. There is a guy named Joe, we are very fast friends and we only met today! He's very funny, and his roomates are histerical. It will be nice to tlk to other people in the class then Lesslie, Victoria, and another girl we nick named Princess. All sweet girls. Lots of fun, and Victoria is like me, very tough and ready for action!

 If only I could get myself hyped up like that for Nutrion....